Awake

Well, it is 1:43am now and I am wide away. Just proof read and edited my last blog. After my lavender bath, I went to lay down. I actually did still end up taking some sleep meds. But I was wide awake (have to have a small light on in the corner to prevent trauma flashbacks). I decided I did not want the quiet so I took a drive with my loud music. I remembered I needed gas and luckily I remembered I still have $40 in my checking account (On top of the $115 for massage plus about $30 for tip). My next massage in May will be $85 off, because we get one free hour massage every 3 months and my first free one with Jacob was amazing and in February. I was going to do the Valentine’s Day 20% off special on Wed and Thurs, because I thought I had to wait 3 months for my first free masssage, but to my surprise..I was delighted to have had a free one. Think I still tippped $25-30…again..please tip for services!! After my drive down Golf Links and through the busy downtown on a Friday night and to the freeway and down Ina and back home, I was able to sleep for about 2.5-3 hours. I woke up in the middle of the night tonight in tears…but I think they were mostly happy tears. Don’t remember exactly what I was thinking but so happy that my 7 year old nephew, and 2 5 year old nieces face timed me when I was at the pool. I will see hopefully all of them today before and during my nephew’s baseball game..Go Cubs! I am afraid that right now my relationships with my Mom and sister are toxic. I know my sister and I will be close again one day, but can’t say the same about my Mom. I just hope my 13 year old and 16 year old nephew reach out to me soon. I hope their Mom is not telling them they can’t have a relationship with me. I invited them to my baptism..no pressure, because they thank GOD became Christians on their own. They feel my Grams and cousin Ryan with them! It must have been so scary for them to have lived in the house with their ex Step Dad even if it was only for 2 years. Branden Stoliker had to be physically kicked out by my Dad (and cop friend if needed but don’t think he was needed) when he refused to leave my sister’s home that she owned all on her own (after buying it with her baby Daddy/ex husband James who I love and adore). Long story short, they are back in a relationship now. But Branden sat their with his “poor me” victim mentality while he waited for my sister to come home and talk to him and forgive him. I supported her marrying him eventually on the beach, but the only reason I am glad she married him now is because my neice Rhylynne was supposed to be born!! He had us all fooled for awhile but he is a psychopath who is now most likely raping my niece. I know, because I was molested at a young age and raped by my brother “my protector” and I see all the signs. I reported him when she was 2 years old and knew he was molesting her. She said ouch ouch ouch when he changed her diaper at the baseball game and I just got the chills and such a bad feeling. DCS, TPD, And US Custom Border Patrol dropped it pretty quickly cause my “perfect RN sister/Mom” and perfect “US Customs Border Patrol bro in law/Dad” just had to say one word…Bi-polar! “My sister/sis in law is bi-polar!” and they had the nerve to put a restraining order against me so I couldn’t see my nephews and niece and that BROKE ME!! My neices and nephews are EVERYTHING to me!! My older brother tried to put a restraining order against me about 6 years ago when I drove up to San Diego for a day and called the Sheriff reporting the fact he raped me and is probably raping his daughter. I never answered the door tho for the restraining order FUCKER! I honestly do not know if he is raping her or not, but my intuition is saying yes. She looks just like me. It is like watching my life over again. She is about 11 or 12 now and has my paternal Grandma Shirley’s b day. Her Mother is fucking her up in her own way tho. She dresses her like a homeless girl and in clothes to small (with her belly and butt crack hanging out sometimes). Lexie does her own hair perfect and dresses like a nice older Amish woman with old lady sandals and long skirts and dresses but at least she still looks nice. She is a HS teacher. She is jealous of her own daughter’s relationship with her husband. No wonder the poor girl is in therapy for bullying and body shaming. And she is still brain washed by her Dad to have a therapist and still not tell her therapist she is being raped by her Dad cause Jason Rhyner is teaching her that is what love is. My Mom was and still is jealous of my relationship with my amazing Dad, but she dressed us perfect and did our hair perfect so when I started gaining weight in HS, I did the body shaming all on my own. I looked amazing looking back at HS…even after I gained 40 pounds or whatever. I was a cheerleader and dancer and had muscle and nice legs! My Dad is pretty vain too so that did not help either. He tried to help me though which is more than I can say for Donna. My senior year when my parents were separated, his gf Donna took me to a personal trainer and then prom dress shopping in Phoenix. If I had a daughter …which I will and she is amazing..prom dress shopping is such an amazing and important thing. I know my soon to be daughters’ Dad will also go with us though cause he is amazing and dresses his 8 year old so cute and brushes her beautiful hair and is teaching her that she is beautiful but that true beauty comes from within!!