I’m the Pilot

I could not decide on a title, because today was all about Faith and Serenity!! I am going hour by hour with my coping skills, self care, and tasks and orders straight from God. I started my day at 2am. I had a psychiatrist appt yesterday at 4pm but for a lack of a better word…he’s kind of a douchebag! I am not going to get into details of our 15 min FaceTime. I finally said, if you aren’t coming into the office, I am not going to either. I am sometimes bad with technology so thought it was easier to just go into the office which is right by Roadhouse Movie Theater.. I caught a movie after my appt last time I think. But anyway, when they called to confirm my appt and also advise I am up for judicial review, I said please email the Teams link. Also, found out the voicemail I left last week advising my casework Jessica that I have not been sleeping well and need to sleep..guess that message just bypassed this government funded shitty ass facility and went straight to my angels! That girl Jessica is no longer with them. I don’t even know my new caseworker’s name cause it (the name) and (he or she) the person means nothing to me! I don’t know if they will ever answer my calls or work there past a day or 2 or 2 weeks or whatever cause the turnover in these places are outrageous because they are way under paid and way overworked. But anyway, after my psych appt yesterday, I went straight to the legal dispensary to get CBD/THC gummies which I believe are called CBN. That is what my childhood BFF’s Dad was telling me about. My Uncle Scotty (who died of suicide with drugs and alcohol) was with me saying , Fuck ya let’s go! God and my angels gave me their full support because it is way more natural than anything a psychiatrist could prescribe. It worked for me! I am not saying it will work for you! It probably will, but I am not claiming to be a psychiatrist although I think I am smarter and more knowledgeable than most of them from my own personal experiences the last 27 years. So I slept great for a couple hours! Then woke up at 2am, because my body needed nourishment like a newborn baby. I ate some of my leftovers and then got in my car. I wasn’t sure if I would drive. I was not planning on it and did not bring my wallet, purse, or license. I just needed to get out of the house, because I have a roommate and have to be respectful in the middle of the night! I snuck out like a 16 year old at my parents’ house. She said she thought I must have slept well all night and did not even know I left! Ha ha! I am good! So I needed to talk. I journaled a but because my brain is on overload. I knew I had nobody to call in the middle of the night. My family barely answers the phone when I need them during the day! My Aunt Val has been amazing though actually and we have talked a lot. Also my sister has been texting and my cousin has been texting and called me last night. She is super busy working in the behavioral health hospital. Thank Goodness she is transitioning from running the whole hospital into a public relations position. It will be so much better for her and her mental health and stress. My Dad did answer his phone today when I called. My Mother, who will now mostly be known as Donna, text me some this morning but sorry Mom…It’s way too little way too late! Fuck off and give me space. We can make a time to talk if you want, but I will probably talk to my therapist first. I was planning on being there for Easter to see all the kids but I can’t stomach my Mother anymore. I have a 90 minute spiritual massage scheduled at my work on Easter! And am going to The Happiest Place on Earth by myself on my birthday 4/23 and will be there for 4 or 5 nights and 3 days at DL and California Adventure!!

So in the middle of the night I decided to call the crisis line which is so amazing! I googled crisis line and the number I called was 520-622-6000 and it was actually ay 12:27am. I talked to Kora for 31 minutes and she was amazing. When we hung up, I knew I needed to take a drive. So with God as the co-pilot and I am the pilot, we took a nice long drive all around Tucson. He guides me and I fly! Obviously for me it’s drive! But I like the plane metaphors better. Gotta put on my own mask before I can help the children and others. I went down Kolb to the freeway..passed Prince which when I did that on my way to San Diego in my last blog.. Party Like it’s 1999 came on when I passed Prince. I graduated in 1999—The last HS class of the century..Sabino High School. Any way as I went all the way to Ina where my cousin lives and my other cousins (Adam and Ryan) grew up together over there.. Adam died when he was 33 and Ryan at 44. I will be 44 on April 23rd and my Brother will be 46 on 4/4. I took the Ina exit and as I was going down Ina, I passed the law firm I worked at for 3 years and went up Craycroft passing the hospital I was born at and my sister currently works at. She works in the pediatric ER and I blessed her and prayed for her and all the kids. She text me this morning and said she was super busy but I don’t think she had anything critical. .. but way more busy than normal. A few times I did not know for sure where I was, because it did not matter.. I knew God was in control! I got home and went to bed.