It’s okay to not be okay!

Last September/October, a good friend of mine told me ..it’s okay to not be okay! That is so true and powerful! I needed to have some good cries early this morning and it felt so good to get it out! I am so sad if I can’t see my nephews for awhile ! I want to hug them and tell them I love them so bad! We have such a special relationship! We did a thing called “running hugs” since they were little and last time I think was less than a year ago. They are getting way too big to fully do running hugs as they did as kids, but I will take any hug…even if it hurts my back! My little niece started doing it sometimes too! And it’s only something they did with me! I just love it so much ! So this morning (almost said tonight), I have also been thinking about my daughter Shaylynne Joy! She would have been 22 soon or already would have. She was conceived from rape and is my brown eyed girl, because her “father/sperm forcer on / I don’t know what to call him besides an evil RAPIST! He is Mexican. He’s still alive and still working in behavioral health last time I saw him at Cornerstone Behavioral Health a few years ago. I told him he raped me! He said ya ya whatever. I said, I will see you in court! And he said, wear something nice in his smug sarcastic tone… and I said , You bet your ass I will!! I have my outfit planned for court for me ex bro in law already! A red blouse, black skirts black heels, and a black blazer. There is a Yellow Brick Coffee in the federal court house and I will sip on my iced chai latte until I get to go into the court room and see the bastard in handcuffs!!

I would be okay if my future husband could just beat the shit out of him.. my rapist..cause he offered when I first met him! But either way, he will get his karma soon enough!

I used to beg God to come back and save us all and let me see my daughter! I wanted to hug her so bad! When I pictured hugging her, she would be about 8-10 years old! I dreamed of the day I would have a daughter and/or see my daughter. I lost faith in having kids the last few years, but I literally met my future daughter a couple weeks ago or so. Have not hugged her yet, but I gave her a couple of gifts anonymously and picked a yellow rose for her yesterday! I will also have 2 step daughters 9 and 10 years old. So God is blessing me with. 3 daughters!! And I know I am old as shit, but I still think I will be able to have a baby! Boy or girl that is up to God! And then we can adopt a boy if we have a girl or adopt a baby girl if we have a boy!! I am so beyond blessed. I feel like my life is just starting and my future is bright and amazing!! A therapist at the hospital recently said..if you aren’t scared of your dreams, you aren’t dreaming big enough!!!